21 May 2008

The Big Bang Theory (Season 01) Quotes

Title: The Big Bang Theory

Season 01

Sheldon Cooper: What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon Cooper: I wouldn't.
-- S01E01 Pilot

Sheldon Cooper: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really.
Sheldon Cooper: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care. Two millimeters? That doesn't seem right.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it’s true. I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.
-- S01E01 Pilot

Leonard Hofstadter: I’m going to invite her over. We'll have a nice meal and chat.
Sheldon Cooper: Chat? We don’t chat, at least not offline.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it’s not difficult. You just listen to what she says, and then you say something appropriate in response.
Sheldon Cooper: To what end?
-- S01E01 Pilot

Penelope ?, also known as Penny: I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. It tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Participate in the what?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.
-- S01E01 Pilot

Sheldon Cooper: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me?
Sheldon Cooper: That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I’m not trying to have sex with her.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.
Leonard Hofstadter: What makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me? I'm a male and she's a female.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but not of the same species.
Leonard Hofstadter: I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I'm just trying to be a good neighbor.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, of course.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn't participate, however briefly.
Sheldon Cooper: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?
Leonard Hofstadter: It’s Darth Vader shampoo. Luke Skywalker is the conditioner.
-- S01E01 Pilot

Sheldon Hofstadter: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard Hofstadter: Must we?
Sheldon Hofstadter: Event A: A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B: We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query: On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard Hofstadter: She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
Sheldon Hofstadter: Ah, yes. Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.
Leonard Hofstadter: Which is?
Sheldon: You think with your penis.
Leonard: That’s a biological impossibility, and you didn't have to come.
-- S01E01 Pilot

Sheldon Cooper: You're not done with her, are you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon Cooper: Not to mention, imaginary.
-- S01E01 Pilot

Sheldon Cooper: I don’t know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you’re a veritable Mack Daddy.
-- S01E01 Pilot

Sheldon Cooper: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?
Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, those are men who just had sex.
Leonard: I’m doing this to be a good neighbor. In any case, there’s no way it could lower the odds.
-- S01E02 The Big Bran Hypothesis

Sheldon Cooper: Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place?!
Leonard Hofstadter: So Penny’s a little messy.
Sheldon Cooper: A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale.
Leonard Hofstadter: Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organize and label the entire world around them?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, we should go.
Sheldon Cooper: Hang on.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: Straightening up.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, this is not your home.
Sheldon Cooper: This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.
-- S01E02 The Big Bran Hypothesis

Sheldon Cooper: You might want to speak in a lower register.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
-- S01E02 The Big Bran Hypothesis

Mary Cooper: Now, you listen here, I've been telling you since you were five years old, it's okay to be smarter than everyone else, but you can't go around pointing it out!
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
Mary Cooper: Because other people don't like it! Remember all the ass-kickings you used to get from the neighbor kids?
-- S01E04 The Luminous Fish Effect

Sheldon Cooper: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: I'm sorry?
Sheldon Cooper: Semiotics, the study of signs and symbols. It's a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Okay, sweetie, I know you think you're explaining yourself, but you're really not.
-- S01E05 The Hamburger Postulate

Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Alright. Look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn't want to be disturbed because they're, you know, getting busy.
-- S01E05 The Hamburger Postulate

Sheldon Cooper: I’m confused. If there's no costume parade, what are we doing here?
Leonard Hofstadter: We're socializing; meeting new people.
Sheldon Cooper: Telepathically?
-- S02E06 The Middle Earth Paradigm

Sheldon Cooper: Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation, I will be less than useless.
-- S02E06 The Middle Earth Paradigm

Sheldon Cooper: He's engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result, and I do not appreciate it.
-- S01E07 The Dumpling Paradox

Sheldon Cooper: Your head goes on the other end.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: It's culturally universal. A bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
-- S01E07 The Dumpling Paradox

Sheldon Cooper: If I may, your parents probably don't consider this meddling. While arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children's lives.
Rajesh Koothrappali, also known as Raj: Why are you telling me about my own culture?
Sheldon Cooper: You seem confused.
-- S01E08 The Grasshopper Experiment

Rajesh Koothrappali, also known as Raj: Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger. What am I going to do?
Sheldon Cooper: I suggest you go through with it.
Rajesh Koothrappali, also known as Raj: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well.
Howard Wolowitz: It's the entire premise of Fiddler on the Roof.
-- S01E08 The Grasshopper Experiment

Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, great. Well, the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.
-- S01E08 The Grasshopper Experiment

Sheldon Cooper: I'll have a Diet Coke.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Okay, will you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: That's, um, Rum and Coke without the rum.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: So, Coke.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. And would you make it Diet?
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: There's a can in the fridge.
Sheldon Cooper: A Cuba Libre generally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon Cooper: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
-- S01E08 The Grasshopper Experiment

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon Cooper: No, we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying. Everything else is optional.
-- S01E09 The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

Leonard Hofstadter: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon Cooper: They're not supposed to, but they should.
-- S01E09 The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

Penelope ?, also known as Penny: So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention, Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.
-- S01E09 The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

Sheldon Cooper: So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
-- S01E10 The Loobenfeld Decay

Sheldon Cooper: I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: What was I supposed to say?
Sheldon Cooper: You could have told her the truth.
Leonard Hofstadter: That would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon Cooper: Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard Hofstadter: And what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon Cooper: I would suggest something to the effect of, "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain."
Leonard Hofstadter: I couldn't say that. I would have to say, "You were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: That's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
Sheldon Cooper: I was not aware of that.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, now you are.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, alright. Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes?
Sheldon Cooper: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.
-- S01E10 The Loobenfeld Decay

Sheldon Cooper: It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels.
-- S01E11 The Pancake Batter Anomaly

Sheldon Cooper: Here's the problem with teleportation.
Leonard Hofstadter: Lay it on me.
Sheldon Cooper: Assuming the device could be invented, which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.
Leonard Hofstadter: How about that?!
Sheldon Cooper: Personally, I would never use a transporter because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: No, he would be exactly the same.
Leonard Hofstadter: That is a problem.
Sheldon Cooper: So you see it too.
-- S01E12 The Jerusalem Duality

Leonard Hofstadter: You speak English really well.
Dennis Kim: So do you, except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
Dennis Kim: That.
-- S01E12 The Jerusalem Duality

Penelope ?, also known as Penny: So you've got a bit of competition. I really don't see what the big deal is.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, of course you don't, you've never excelled at anything.
-- S01E12 The Jerusalem Duality

Sheldon Cooper: Engineering, where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Oompa-Loompas of science.
-- S01E12 The Jerusalem Duality

Penelope ?, also known as Penny: What the hell's going on?
Sheldon Cooper: You hypocrite!
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Little miss "grown-ups don't play with toys". If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello, Hello Kitty!
-- S01E14 The Nerdvana Annihilation

Leonard Hofstadter: So, how do you two know each other?
Missy Cooper: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me?
Sheldon Cooper: She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.
Missy Cooper: That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon Cooper: How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A 'humormometer'?
-- S01E15 The Pork Chop Indeterminacy

Sheldon Cooper: The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.
Sheldon Cooper: Let’s say that I go out and I spend US$50 on you. It's a laborious activity because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things; just give you the US$50 directly, and you could give me US$50 on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and US$50 richer. And I ask you, is it worth it?
-- S01E16 The Peanut Reaction

Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Sheldon, a gift shouldn't be something someone needs. It should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn't buy for themselves.
-- S01E16 The Peanut Reaction