13 May 2009

The Big Bang Theory (Season 02) Quotes


Title: The Big Bang Theory



Season 02

Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girls?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I assume you're not referring to digestive regularity, because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn't a brainiac?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: How is that not a brainiac?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
-- S02E01 The Bad Fish Paradigm

Sheldon Cooper: You're asking me to keep a secret?
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Secret keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility... It’s a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between 'tick' the blood-sucking arachnid, and 'tic' the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Okay. Look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.
Sheldon Cooper: Physiologically impossible.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Oh Sheldon, please. Look, I’m asking you as a friend.
Sheldon Cooper: So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Well, yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends?
-- S02E01 The Bad Fish Paradigm

Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Your archenemy?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it...
Sheldon Cooper: You know, it's amazing how many super villains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.
-- S02E02 The Codpiece Topology

Sheldon Cooper: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly, the man coasted until the day he died.
-- S02E04 The Griffin Equivalency

Sheldon Cooper: I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad.
-- S02E04 The Griffin Equivalency

Sheldon Cooper: There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village, they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense, of course, but one can see their point.
-- S02E04 The Griffin Equivalency

Sheldon Cooper: Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one's reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.
-- S02E05 The Euclid Alternative

Sheldon Cooper: You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.
-- S02E09 The White Asparagus Triangulation

Sheldon Cooper: It's my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.
-- S02E09 The White Asparagus Triangulation

Sheldon Cooper: You seem like a perfectly pleasant person. I just can't understand why women have such a hard time loving you.
-- S02E09 The White Asparagus Triangulation

Sheldon Cooper: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that.
Sheldon Cooper: I heard you ask it over and over! How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
Stephanie Barnett: He did very nicely.
Sheldon Cooper: See? She’s not offended. And now you finally have an answer.
-- S02E10 The Vartabedian Conundrum

Leonard Hofstadter: Don’t you think if a woman was living with me I’d be the first one to know about it?
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Oh, sweetie, you’d be the last one to know about it.
-- S02E10 The Vartabedian Conundrum

Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you've given me an obligation.
...
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Now, honey, it’s okay. You don’t have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
-- S02E11 The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

Sheldon Cooper: You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Yes, it occurs to me, too.
-- S02E14 The Financial Permeability

Penelope ?, also known as Penny: I'll pay you back as soon as I can.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course you will. It’s impossible to pay me back sooner than you can, assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.
-- S02E14 The Financial Permeability

Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Oh no, I can’t give up my acting classes. I'm a professional actress.
Leonard Hofstadter: You've had an acting job where you got paid?
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: That is not the definition of professional.
Leonard Hofstadter: Actually, it kind of is...
-- S02E14 The Financial Permeability

Leonard Hofstadter: I’m really very busy. Is there any way that we can put this off until I have more time to prepare? Of course. But, uh, you understand my trepidation.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: What’s that about?
Howard Wolowitz: Not a clue.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can’t we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer?
Sheldon Cooper: This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I didn’t realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there’s no other choice but to just go ahead and do it.
Sheldon Cooper: He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aren’t there any other options? There’s not a lot of room, it’s gonna be uncomfortable.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, yes. Yeah, I’m definitely going with colonoscopy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, bye. My mother’s coming to visit.
Howard Wolowitz: How about that, you were right.
-- S02E15 The Maternal Capacitance

Penelope ?, also known as Penny: It’s out of order.
Beverley Hofstadter: Yes, I can read the sign, I’m just pondering the implications.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: I think it implies that the elevator doesn't work.
Beverley Hofstadter: Again, I can read the sign. But the sign and the tape are covered with a layer of dust, which indicates that the elevator has been non-functional for a significant amount of time. Which suggests either a remarkable passivity among the, I assume, 24 to 36 residents of this building based on the number of mailboxes and given typical urban population density, or a shared delusion of functionality.
-- S02E15 The Maternal Capacitance

Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Oh. Well, I’m an actress.
Beverley Hofstadter: Why?
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: What do you mean why?
Beverley Hofstadter: Well, there are studies that suggest that many who go into the performing arts suffer from an external locus of identity.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Yeah, I don’t know what that means.
Beverley Hofstadter: Well, it means you value yourself only as others value you, which is often the result of unmet childhood emotional needs.
-- S02E15 The Maternal Capacitance

Beverley Hofstadter: ... I have to urinate.
...
Leonard Hofstadter: That was fast.
Beverley Hofstadter: Oh, the middle stall was occupied. I’ll have to try again later.
Sheldon Cooper: It’s totally understandable. In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it’s location, location, location.
-- S02E15 The Maternal Capacitance

Beverley Hofstadter: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one’s mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard Wolowitz: Say what?
-- S02E15 The Maternal Capacitance

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.
-- S02E16 The Cushion Saturation

Sheldon Cooper: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be 0000.
-- S02E16 The Cushion Saturation

Sheldon Cooper: You have to sign this.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: What is it?
Sheldon Cooper: When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Sheldon, it's just a box of rhinestones.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: It means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I'm doing.
Sheldon Cooper: Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.
-- S02E18 The Work Song Nanocluster

Sheldon Cooper: I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penelope ?, also known as Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon Cooper: I have a working knowledge of the important things.
-- S02E18 The Work Song Nanocluster

Sheldon Cooper: Penny, the labor force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management.
-- S02E18 The Work Song Nanocluster

Stuart Bloom: Oh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
Sheldon Cooper: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart Bloom: Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge.
-- S02E20 The Hofstadter Isotope

Sheldon Cooper: What exactly does that expression mean, 'friends with benefits'? Does he provide her with health insurance?
-- S02E21 The Vegas Renormalization

Rajesh Koothrappali, also known as Raj: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.
Sheldon Cooper: You don't really believe in that superstition, do you?
Rajesh Koothrappali, also known as Raj: It's not superstition. It's practically Newtonian. For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction... It's actually a very elegant system, you know, what goes around comes around.
-- S02E22 The Classified Materials Turbulence

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