Title: Selfie
Season 01
Eliza Dooley: The funny thing is, people used to call me butt-ugly. In my seventh grade yearbook, I was literally voted "most butt". So I took a lesson from Corynn McWatters; I blew out my curls and pushed up the girls, corrected my vision and stepped up my nutrition, traded likes for likes and before long, I was insta-famous.
-- S01E01 Pilot
Henry Higgs: See, this is exactly what I can't stand. Social media is this is this giant fingernail scratching this woman's itch for constant attention.
...
Henry Higgs: Why does her generation feel compelled to tweet every item that goes into their mouths, including Miller from marketing's...?
-- S01E01 Pilot
Eliza Dooley: When Siri is the only person who's there for you, it kinda makes you realize being friended is not the same thing as having friends.
-- S01E01 Pilot
Henry Higgs: I find it rather easy not to form personal connections in a city that only values wireless connection.
-- S01E01 Pilot
Henry Higgs: She was just leaving.
Eliza Dooley: No, I wasn't. I'm not leaving until you say you'll help me.
Henry Higgs: But you can't be helped. You are addicted to the instant gratification of unearned adulation from a group of perfect strangers you insist on referring to as your 'friends'.
-- S01E01 Pilot
Eliza Dooley: Come on. I just want to change my image.
Henry Higgs: You mean, be a better person?
Eliza Dooley: Or that.
-- S01E01 Pilot
Eliza Dooley: I know you don't like me. But if you don't like me, then just change me. Just change me.
Henry Higgs: I don't like you... But I can change you.
-- S01E01 Pilot
Henry Higgs: Makeup should be light, your dress less tight. Hair should be tame, your face softly framed. No 6-inch heels, no cleavage revealed. Nothing coarse, nothing sleazy, and bring a wrap in case it's breezy.
-- S01E01 Pilot
Henry Higgs: Well. you, my dear, are a lost cause.
-- S01E01 Pilot
Eliza Dooley: Something told me it had been a while since anyone gave Henry a push... and sometimes, we all need a push.
-- S01E01 Pilot
Eliza Dooley: Having haters online means that you made it.
Henry Higgs: Okay, but having haters in real life means that people hate you.
-- S01E02 Un-Tag My Heart
Eliza Dooley: Guys like it when you laugh at their jokes, and make them feel powerful.
-- S01E02 Un-Tag My Heart
Henry Higgs: You have to think about how you are perceived in this office.
Eliza Dooley: No, I have to think how I am perceived outside of this office...
-- S01E02 Un-Tag My Heart
Henry Higgs: First friend is my mom, just like in life.
-- S01E02 Un-Tag My Heart
Kevin Whitaker: The internet is all about illusions, girl. You know that.
-- S01E04 Nugget of Wisdom
Eliza Dooley: Plus one? I'm nobody's plus one. I'm VIP, bitches.
...
Eliza Dooley: The point is, I receive plus ones, I do not be them.
-- S01E05 Even Hell Has Two Bars
Henry Higgs: I don't want you to think that I value my job more than I value our friendship. Because I swear it's a tie.
-- S01E05 Even Hell Has Two Bars
Charmonique Whitaker: I don't know what my problem is. It's like my default setting is to block.
-- S01E06 Never Block Cookies
Henry Higgs: You know, it's, uh, customary to call someone before dropping by.
Eliza Dooley: A girl walks into your house, and that's the first thing you say to her? No wonder you're just sitting around being lonely.
-- S01E06 Never Block Cookies
Eliza Dooley: See, that's what made our friendship so great. Henry was always teaching me stuff, and I was always letting him.
-- S01E07 Here's This Guy
Eliza Dooley: Who wronged you?
Henry Higgs: What?
Eliza Dooley: Why are you the way you are?
-- S01E08 Traumatic Party Stress Disorder
Eliza Dooley: What constitutes a gift is entirely subjective. In my experience, co-workers alternate between cheap, impersonal items like this partially used Barry's Brisket gift card from Larry, and lavish, impersonal items like this endangered ivory tusk letter opener from Saperstein.
-- S01E08 Traumatic Party Stress Disorder
Eliza Dooley: Henry, you have spent weeks impressing upon me the importance of good manners and social grace. There's no way I'm not getting you a birthday present.
Henry Higgs: Fair enough. Then I task you with finding something personal, meaningful, yet modest.
-- S01E08 Traumatic Party Stress Disorder
Charmonique Whitaker: Every relationship is different, but none of them are different, yes? That's how you know you're on the next level, though, when you think about more than just having sex with them.
-- S01E09 Followw Through
Henry Higgs: Remember, sometimes difficult people surface in our lives for a reason. Think of it as a challenge. You're not the kind of person who's afraid of a challenge.
-- S01E10 Stick in the Mud
Eliza Dooley: All in all, it takes me roughly three hours to look alpha, not beta.
-- S01E13 I Woke Up Like This
Henry Higgs: Her Instagram is curated within an inch of its life. You of all people should know how easy it is to fake perfection.
-- S01E13 I Woke Up Like This
